Are You Cursed?

Here's how to tell, using food.

Hello, wonderful witches!

I’m having a bad time. On top of, you know… everything… other parts of my world just keep falling apart. We’ve had a couple basement floods in our new house; my tire went flat yesterday and today another one is going flat; something is consistently wrong with my cellphone account; I broke a tooth that now needs to be pulled. So many other things, and much larger and more meaningful/depressing things, have happened as well — one thing after the other, for months. It’s to the point where a couple friends have asked me if I’m cursed.

Am I? I don’t know. So let’s find out. Using food. The three methods below show how to tell if you’re cursed using food, and I am happily offering myself up as a guinea pig to try them out.

The Olive Oil Test

For the olive oil test, all you need is a glass of water and some olive oil. Ideally the glass will be clear or white so you can easily see the water’s surface. Fill the glass with water and pass it around your head. I passed mine three times counterclockwise; no particular reason, it just seemed right. Put the glass down and put three drops of oil into it. If you have an eye dropper, great! I don’t, so I dipped the end of a chopstick into the oil and held it over the cup to let it drip down. If the drops turn into one big drop, then you may be cursed — or at least suffering the effects of the evil eye.

My first two drops combined immediately, and the third one swirled around for a minute. I had high hopes, but then I noticed it was swirling closer and closer to the other drop until BAM. One big drop. One of the first drops broke into multiple drops, though, so technically there are still three… but I don’t know if that counts. What do you think?

Tea Leaf Reading

Tea leaf reading is one of my divination specialties, but just like my tyromancy work, I never do readings for myself. I went outside my comfort zone for all of you! Let’s hope it went well. For this one, you need a teacup or mug and a saucer. Put a pinch of loose leaf tea into the mug. I used my Calamityware “Things Could Be Worse” mug. It seemed appropriate. For the tea, I used Spirit Tea’s Ambrosia — it’s black tea from Thailand with hints of hawthorn berries, baked peaches, and mead. Drink your tea until there’s only about a teaspoon of water left. Then swirl the cup and flip it over onto a saucer. (If you’re worried about breaking your cup or spilling tea everywhere, cover the top with a paper towel and hold it down while you swirl and flip. It’ll give an extra cushion to the mug and soak up the liquid right away.) Next, turn your cup back over and see what shapes the leaves make. If the symbols look “negative” — think things like bones, snakes, and guns — then you’re probably dealing with some nasty magic.

In my cup, I see a chicken foot beneath a branch with a cocoon on it. Chicken feet are generally signs of protection against evil and warding off bad vibes, and I translate the cocoon into a sign of transformation. Maybe what I’m going through is just a pathway to even better things to come. Seems pretty positive to me!

The Egg Method

The egg method is a hotly contested process, mainly because a faction of witches and pagans say that using the egg method is encroaching on a closed practice. I, however, don’t believe in “closed” practices. I think you should be able to do spells or techniques from any practice, as long as you’re being reverent and respectful of the culture it originated in. I consider it cultural appreciation, not cultural appropriation. I’ve spoken of this in past newsletters and how much this concept of closed practices bothers me. Just like the phrase “baby witch,” but don’t get me started on that.

OK, off my soapbox now.

So for the egg method, you need a glass of water and a raw egg. Break the egg into the glass of water. Watch for things like cloudy water, a bad smell, a yolk that floats, any flecks of blood, or broken shell. Some of these mean that your egg is likely about to spoil, but if you get a combination of them in brand-new eggs, you might have some spiritual cleansing to do.

My egg was nice and fresh (at least as fresh as it can be when you buy from the grocery store), but when I cracked it, I splattered egg white all over myself. The yolk immediately sank to the bottom and the white made the water look cloudy. But, it’s a clean break with no discoloration or bits of eggshell, and no nasty smells. I feel like this one is a solid “maybe.” So helpful, egg.

The verdict overall? I’m not sure. Olive oil says “CURSES!” Tea says “nah, you’re protected.” And the egg says “I don’t know, maybe, maybe not.” So I feel like I’m not really any more informed than I was before. I think I’ll go with the protection vibe because my hope is that things are steadily going to improve.

Curse or no, please bear with me. I just want to sit quietly on the couch all day watching trashy romance reality television shows. Experts call this “depression.” I’m responding with “Universe, please leave me alone for a while.” I’m exhausted.

Thanks for your patience with me. Here’s a picture of my best Heloise to close us out.