My Cat Won't Stop Eating My Sage Bundles

So I guess I'll have to steal her catnip.

Dec 05, 2023

Hello, wonderful witches!

A couple quick reminders before a short, silly piece today. If you plan to order my next book, The Retrograde Guidebook, it publishes on December 12. It’s a great holiday gift! If you’re interested in a tyromancy session or other witchcraft services (which, coincidentally, also make great gifts), check them out here and here. I actually just had a fun essay go up with Saveur about tyromancy — I hope you’ll give it a read! I’m also going to be in Rolling Stone Italy soon, which is pretty rad.

Alright, onto the silliness.

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Can This AI Spell Work on My Cat?

Our cat, Fiona, won’t stop trying to pull my sage bundles off the shelf and carry them away to her little hidey hole under a chair in the dining room. So I thought it would only be fair if I got to use her catnip instead. The problem is she’s kind of… selfish about her catnip, as all cats are. So to convince her, I asked AI to write me a spell that would make her share her catnip with me.

The sage thief in the wilds of our living room.

Side note: Those of you who know me know I am so horrifically against using AI to do work. The only use of it that I sanction is ridiculous things like, you know, trying to cast a fake spell on my cat. So prepare yourselves for the absolute first (and probably last) use of AI in this newsletter.

I used Google Bard. I fed it a number of prompts to try and get its little mechanical brain wrapped around writing a spell, things like write a spell about food for a witch, write a spell about making soup for a witch, write a spell for a witch to curse someone’s food, and write a spell for a witch who is planning to hide mushrooms in someone’s house.

I have to say, I don’t think Bard quite understood the mission. It kept giving me song lyrics, or things written in the form of song lyrics. (You’ll see in the spell below notations for the chorus.) I kept asking Bard to shorten the spell, but that definitely didn’t work.

So here it is, in its full glory, an AI-created spell/song for getting your cat to share its catnip.

In the realm of felines and whiskered delight,
Where catnip's allure takes magical flight,
I weave a spell with an enchanting trace,
To encourage a witch's cat to share its sweet grace.
(Chorus)
Oh, playful feline, with eyes so bright,
Let generosity fill your heart, day and night.
Share your catnip's joy, with a purring delight,
A witch's spell, to make everything right.
With sprigs of catnip, fresh and so green,
I gather the essence, a magical scene.
Its scent fills the air, a feline's keen dream,
A symphony of aromas, it would seem.
(Chorus)
Oh, playful feline, with eyes so bright,
Let generosity fill your heart, day and night.
Share your catnip's joy, with a purring delight,
A witch's spell, to make everything right.
With a touch of enchantment, I sprinkle the air,
Infusing the atmosphere, with magic so rare.
The catnip's allure, beyond compare,
A spell of sharing, to banish all snare.
(Chorus)
Oh, playful feline, with eyes so bright,
Let generosity fill your heart, day and night.
Share your catnip's joy, with a purring delight,
A witch's spell, to make everything right.
So let the catnip's magic spread wide,
Inviting the feline, to share with its side.
A bond of friendship, with nothing to hide,
A witch's spell, for a harmonious tide.

I really, really hope someone puts this to music. My composing days are long over, but this is just aching for an orchestral score and interpretive dance. Let me know if you try it on your cat.

And just for fun… here’s what happened when I asked for a short meditation for someone to find their spirit vegetable.

Find a comfortable position and close your eyes.
Take a few deep, cleansing breaths, allowing your body to relax and sink into the present moment.
Imagine yourself standing in a lush, verdant garden. The air is filled with the sweet scent of flowers and the gentle hum of bees.
As you wander through the garden, you notice a variety of vegetables growing in abundance. Take a moment to appreciate their vibrant colors and textures.
You feel a gentle tug towards a particular vegetable. Draw closer and reach out to touch it. Feel its smooth skin or its rough texture.
As you touch the vegetable, you feel a surge of energy coursing through your body. This is your spirit vegetable. It is a reflection of your inner self, your unique strengths and qualities.
Take some time to connect with your spirit vegetable. Ask it questions about yourself. What is your true purpose in life? What do you need to do to live a more fulfilling life?
Listen carefully to the answers that come to you. They may come in the form of words, images, or feelings.
When you feel ready, thank your spirit vegetable for its guidance. Slowly open your eyes and return to your surroundings.
Carry the wisdom of your spirit vegetable with you throughout the day. Allow it to guide you towards a more authentic and meaningful life.

I’m pretty sure mine will be green beans.

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